Very few things have nothing to do with ants, and Anthony Scaramucci (or, as he is known in the adult cartoon we call reality, “The Mooch”) is no exception.

Many readers will have only just recently learned their Moochian Myrmecology from intrepid journalist and gleeful polemicist Matt Taibbi. Who is Matt Taibbi? Well, let me put it this way. In 2005, Matt Taibbi wrote an essay called “The 52 Funniest Things About the Upcoming Death of the Pope” which, like Donald Trump, earned condemnation from both Hillary Clinton and Anthony Weiner. In 2012, he wrote this touching eulogy on the occasion of the actual death of Andrew Breitbart. In the very same year, he also wrote this love letter to David Brooks. (Which reminds me, I swear I once heard Ann Coulter describe David Brooks as the “Elisabeth Hasselbeck of the New York Times,” but I can’t find the reference.)

This year, Taibbi sets his sultry sights on an even lower target, The Mooch. And he has some choice myrmecological words for the guy.

“While speaking of fellow White House spokesperson and new department subordinate Sarah Huckabee Sanders, “Mooch” delivered a line that read like a Mad Men screen test: “Sarah, if you’re watching, I loved the hair and makeup person that we had on Friday.” By the next day he was like a man with a sackful of ants turned over on his head, so many were the news stories denouncing him as sexist.”

Zing! (What does the ant say, anyway?)

Now, I happen to know that The Mooch will be none too pleased with the thought that a sackful of ants would be turned against him. How can I be so sure? Just look at his own second(?!) rule for “dealing with failing and turning it into success”:

“Set Yourself up for Success. Success is hard work, audacity, grit, and courage. You have to be willing to be the ant. Remember, the grasshopper gets the shaft in the end. Associate with people who feel the same way.”

That’s from page 58 of Scaramucci’s pathbreaking tome (or… philosophy paper? WTF? I thought PhilPapers was only for serious work!), Goodbye Gordon Gekko: How to Find Your Fortune Without Losing Your Soul.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Who does this son of a schmuck think he is— Jim Rohn?” But take it easy on The Mooch. First of all, Rohn passed away in 2009 (ahem – eulogy from Matt Taibbi, please?). Someone has to take up the torch of extremely substantive self-help myrmecology, and it sure as frackin’ frass ain’t gonna be me!

 

Second and more importantly, The Mooch had to endure years of working at Goldman Sachs. That takes real grit! After all, here is what Matt Taibbi has said about that bunch:

“The first thing you need to know about Goldman Sachs is that it’s everywhere. The world’s most powerful investment bank is a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money. In fact, the history of the recent financial crisis, which doubles as a history of the rapid decline and fall of the suddenly swindled dry American empire, reads like a Who’s Who of Goldman Sachs graduates.”

Now, squid and ants don’t have much in common (though vampires and ants are a whole different kettle of fish), but there is enough to connect the dots. The point here is, The Mooch is trying. He’s trying to be the ant. He’s not trying to get the shaft. He’s trying to give the shaft. He’s trying to give the shiv. In the front.

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“Boshua J’lanchard” is a pseudonym, as Boshua prefers to remain anonymous. S/he is a doctoral candidate in philosophy, specializing in metaethics, somewhere in the Chapel Hill, North Carolina region of the United States.