As vertebrates swarm to various destinations throughout the continental United States in order to observe a total eclipse of the sun, experts predict that tens of billions of ants are bracing themselves to stop and remain motionless during the imminent periods of total darkness. This forecast, supported by the scientific literature, should send shockwaves around the country. Instead, most bipedal organisms remain transfixed with eyes peeled upwards towards the wild, blue, ant-free yonder.

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